无尽

今天的灵感，大概又用完了。
最近越来越没胃口吃东西，无论是什么都好，吃是因为单纯想吃或者必须吃，好久没有发自内心渴望某些东西了……似乎已经失去了渴望的能力。
望着镜中的自己，每一天听见亲人在耳朵旁一而再地重复着，自己胖了的事实。确实，我胖了许多，区区这三个月的假期。
就因为这三个月，我得到了一直都极度渴望的空闲，就像自己恋上时间停留的那种感觉一样……
但也是因为这三个月，我过了犹如漫长却短暂的快乐的日子，总觉得现在的我似乎在渐渐失去什么一样，身上的能力…天生的本能…到底有什么在流失……？我不知道……
只要是单独的时间：搭火车，逛书局，阅读，躲在房里，写故事，看动漫，洗澡，睡觉…不断地思考已经成为了我生活中的必须品，而且是消极的想法……
我从以前到现在或许认为自己改变了不少，但我渐渐发觉，自己其实还是以前的自己……只是被新的事物取而代之，所以才会造成旧日的伤口，悲观，卑微被覆盖，藏在心底深处任谁也不能碰。
因为我讨厌以前的自己。
我以为现在的我真的认为一切都是过去了，
不过…还是那个我，害怕做错事情的我，害怕被人抛离的我，害怕自己做得不够好的我……
我到底在害怕什么？是害怕别人对我失望还是对自己失望？又或者两者兼是？
我无法承受旁人不赞同我的眼光，无法承受旁人对我失望透的那种眼神。
最害怕的就是这个……以前我只要撑不住，就会趁自己单独的时候不断流泪，流完了又睡，睡了第二天起身那个无力感还在……
我不明白……为什么会没有来由地突然想起这些……
怕…怕…怕…去年的日子非常难受，对我而言非常难受…要在不到半年的时间从怀恨的自己转变成放开的自己真不简单。那是什么一种过程我完全不敢再去想象，也不想再去体会。
几次了…我把自己关闭起来不让人家踏入我的世界。
活了十八年，多少次了。
到底我有什么地方足以让我宣泄一切？
尽管是家事还是私事，完全没有一个地方能够让我停留下来，完全没有一个人能够安抚我那颗不安的心。
一直到现在都是很不安，不安。
不承认自己快失去理智，结果还是装做很理智，就是告诉自己生出来根本没有资格埋怨。
如此的一个家庭，如此的生活环境，如此的朋友……无论遇上什么挫折，老天爷还是没有将我美好的前途，人生一一撕碎……还是完美地保留着，不是吗？
对于老天爷给予我及身边每一个人的爱我真的感激不尽。
现在的我到底需要什么了……渴求些什么……
怎么忽然觉得，好希望有个背能够一直让我依靠，只要在我失去支撑的力量时……
一个人一个人的……谁都不喜欢吧……没有人会喜欢……
有时候就连一件小事起不了争执还是会变成我思考的事物。
我的命，总觉得是老天爷在做主，我没异议。
只是，我承认其中一点的就是，身为家中唯一一个女儿，女性朋友并不多，从小到大接触的都是男生……
为什么我有种被污染的感觉？
其实大家对我都很好，只是我的自私，我身为唯一一个女儿的自私，一个女孩的自私。
我拥有一个女孩的怨恨，强大的怨恨，强大的嫉妒。
但同时间亦拥有包容能力，只要我选择放下，没有我放不下的……
一切只在于我如何去掌控。
好多次都想奔入久以失去的好朋友的怀抱，但我没勇气，尤其是被某些东西束缚着。更何况那种刺痛的感觉一次就够了，我没理由让自己承受第二次。
无论是异性还是同性，到底谁能够给我一个归属？
即使曾经拥有过唯一一个归属，我还是失去了……
现在的我根本没有所向之处，只是盲目地在流浪……
心里千万种感觉不断涌现，我真的好想痛哭一场……为自己而哭。

从小到大我都很讨厌自己，没想到直到现在，依旧如此。讨厌到想要撕碎自己的感觉……

到底是什么驱使了我写了这些过于真实却混乱的拼凑不起来的文字？有谁能理解……根本没有人能够做到吧……

就像我无法理解你一样，伟雄。
你内心的世界到底是怎样的一个世界？一个人的世界是怎样度过的？
我的内心世界就是这么混乱，随时都会失去节奏感的脚步，
只要我还活着，只要我还能够思考，没有一次是避免得了看见自己的内心世界被一层层的肮脏东西蒙蔽，厚厚的，恶心的，脏得连我都看不见前方。
这个就是我最讨厌的，自己的内心世界。
因此我才会如此向往幻想的梦境，美好、清馨、纯洁。
那亦是我唯一能够逃跑的去处。

无尽的疲累，永不停歇……打击内心的只是一次又一次的更高要求。
累了……这世界根本没有所谓的最高点……根本没有……因为它将会被时间替代……
所以这一切是无止境的…
我只希望自己能够寻找一个停留的地方……一直以来都是这样……

First stage of learning drawing

I learned this much in one month time. Hope can learn more^^

Longing for A Tiring Day?

Today I am so tired. Not to say THAT tired, but still tired. At first, I woke up early around 10am(to me is early compare to usual) cause my dad's friend came to collect her car, so I have to open the gate for her. Then, I ate oat Milo, without bread, cause as i know that taking bread frequently will cause us to grow fatter, so I started to change a little bit of my diet plan(cause I am going to keep fit).

Since holiday started, my daily activities are watch BLEACH, eat chocolate, sleep, do a little housework,seldom practice piano and totally didnt exercise. No wonder I am growing more plum than before(a lot of people say the same thing to me). T.T So I must start to keep a balance diet and healthy life.

Err, ok then my lunch, I cooked noodle by my own, quite full, then I started to continue my BLEACH again, but in the afternoon, my aunt called me out of a sudden and things ended up we went to K.L in the evening.

We went Petaling Street together with my cousin sister. Finally I ended up not having my dinner as the two of them were not hungry, and they promised to eat dinner together with my cousin sister's pet brother. I always eat early in the evening, but today... I got a bit irritated cause I am quite hungry before that, but still we had some snacks and fries.

After all those shopping, the guy(pet brother) finished his work but he said that he was not hungry, so we ended up not having our real dinner as well. Somehow I feel frustrated but also thanks to him,or else I will have some heavy meal lately. Then they wanted to drink beer and chit chat, I am totally like a little girl, but truly I am just 18th. So I neither drink beer nor smoke. At the same time, my aunt and I have some "lut lut" stuff which I never try before, it is still snacks though. That is how I didnt get to eat proper meal today. T.T

Owh, but I drove back to Klang when we were heading back. XD First time from K.L to Klang, not bad... I am being pretty cautious cause I remember what Vick advised me. Hee.

However, seriously that I am tired. Cause tomorrow I am not free for the whole day as well.

9am - 11am : drawing class

2pm - 3pm : piano practical class

5.30pm - 6.15pm : piano theory class

Argh... Somehow feel a bit stress when everything cramp into one day. SEE! No time to watch BLEACH already, but I will watch at night. Moreover nowadays I started back to continue write my novel, so these are the two main important things which I must finish as much as I can during this LAST THREE WEEKS. T.T I am sad, going to say goodbye to my relaxing 3 months holidays. I will be starting my degree course soon on the end of February. Hope that I can meet more new friends(good friends) and study harder and get more intelligent!!! I dont want to die or faint cause of cramming myself studying those blurr concepts. Ganbate!!! I still hope to publish my own story... No matter how busy am I, how stress am I. That is the only way for me to relax, and another way is watch Anime. Haha!! Freak Girl. Miyako Yamashita. Loves to live in unrealistic life. Well that is how I get courage to continue living.

自私

有时候想想，自己真的太自私了。
之前爸妈吵架，我自私得恼他们居然在孩子面前争吵。
现在，我自私得老是为了把握放假时间而忙做自己的事情，家务有些则没帮上忙。
上次，我自私得只顾着将自己的感受告诉伟雄，却忽略了他的感受。
我强迫他拒绝我，虽然他曾经暗示性地拒绝，不过因为我的自私，因为我想要一个更肯定更牢固的答案，我强迫他说想再次亲耳听见他拒绝我，这样我才会甘心，这样我才不会像往常一样，时不时便将话题拉去感情上。
我只是要他直视他内心对我的感受，要他直视一个他不能够爱却爱他的女孩。
即使是狠拒，我不介意。
但是他就是太好了，就连最后的狠拒对我而言，那是最温柔的拒绝。
他曾经给我无数次迷茫的希望，不过我现在清楚知道一切都是不可能了。
那些都只是他不想直接伤害我的原因。
从来没有顾虑过他的感受。
不过，即使我多么想走进他的心，却还是做不到。
或许是我真的做不到，也不是注定待在他身边的那个人，又或者是他根本还没有心理准备，更不想打开心房让人家走进去。
我总是觉得他在害怕，担心些什么。
不过这都是自顾的想法而已，真实状况我真的不知道是怎样。
不过既然发生了就去接受。反正做什么也没有用了，不是吗？
我觉得自己很好笑，有时候可以极度渴望某些东西，有时却很放得下。
不过有时候提起他，我的心还是会莫明其妙地揪了一下。
也不知道是为什么。
我欠了他什么，大概吧…上辈子。
即使被他拒绝，他还是当我是他的朋友。
我更应该把他当好朋友一样看。
但我还是不会放弃对他好，结果我不在乎了。
至少这次让我认真去学习，怎么诚心去感受一个人的感受。
可是……这一点我该怎么做……？
算了吧。
无论如何，我还是不会放弃作为一个若隐若现的朋友去关心你，在乎你。
也许我对你的爱太自私了。
但是我真的一心认为，我的世界只要有你就足够了。
你明白这股平淡无奇的快乐及幸福吗？
是你给我的……我真的很珍惜。
请原谅我的自私，但是我目前还不知道有什么更好的方法去爱你了……

不可能了吗…？

伟雄。
现在突然有种冲动想告诉你，我真的很想等你。
我的真心话。
你看我…即使被你拒绝了那么多次，但是我知道你只是不愿意伤害我才会一直对我那么好吧。
你对我很客气。
我很想念那天跟你还有其他人出去。
不过，当时的我顾不上那么多，因为我的心中只有你。
真的，连小小的举动都会令我觉得异常幸福。
就像坐在你旁边一样，即使沉默不语。
就像你开口跟我说话一样，即使没聊上几句。
就像我走在你的身边一样，即使漫无目的。
自从真正听你说，目前的我们比情人更适合做好朋友。
那天晚上我不由得眼泪就要滑落，因为我可以深深感觉到心中的某个地方已经空掉了。
好像已经失去了什么一样，却说不上来。
连续那几天我都好像失去了做梦的力量，就连自己仅有靠做梦来幻想这世界依然美好的权力也亲自把它扔了一样。
或许现在我才真正感受到那些曾经被我拒绝却一直放不下的人的心情吧。
我现在犹豫着……而且真的似乎失去对爱情的憧憬。
好不容易，让我变得认真的你，让我真正认真看待一段感情的你，让我真正爱上一个人的你，
却还是没有可能跟我在一起。
我知道，或许时机未熟，又或者你根本对我没有那种特殊的感觉，足以让你想跟我在一起生活，共进退，共分享和分担吧。
或许我还不是你命中注定的人。
我从来就没怪过你。毕竟大家都有自己的选择。
只是真的想说，我还是做不到去喜欢别人，做不到去放弃你。
现在的生活虽然依然自在，可是那个唯独让爱情住进心里的角落却是空空如也……
我选择不哭，因为我知道你对我的好。这样好的一个你，不值得让我哭。
就连你已经拒绝了我，我还是大胆告诉你我爱你，你却还是对我理睬……你还是不在意。
为什么？为什么你可以那么好？
伟雄……我已经失去爱情的重心了……
可是我依然不想放弃你。
可能一切早就注定没有可能，但是我还是想守在你身边。
没有人能够取代，一直到你找到你要的女孩为止。
我其实完全不明白你在想什么，也想要些什么……
但我知道，自己跟你在一起的心情是幸福的。是没有人可以替代的幸福感觉。
只有你给得到我……
但是我已经做不了什么。
只能默默祝福你，偶尔关心你。
但愿新的一年能够给你多一点信心去达到你的目标。
你快乐我就开心了。

没有依靠

真的觉得生活空空的。

内心也一样空空的。

主动是件好事吗？总觉得白白坐在那里等，根本不会得到你要的东西。

其实我不过是厌倦了自己一个人吧……

没有结果，没有回应的爱情，真的有时候我会犹豫该不该放下。

但我确是如此地渴望与他在一起。

老天爷总是这样，你愈想得到的，你就愈无法得到。

心情已经有点乱，心灵也很空虚了……

我亲爱的父上母上，您们可否停止冷战和热战了？

有时候我觉得自己真的很自私，是个着想的女孩。

不过我也只是希望可以有个依靠而已。

家里都这样冷清，心灵依靠也没有……我到底能怎样？

突然好讨厌一切一切。可是，这是我选择的……我没有资格埋怨吧……？

Year 2010, start of different feeling

Today is quite a busy day. Only me followed my parents for breakfast this morning, then we headed back home. My aunt is shifting today to Klang, so my dad went and helped out to load all the stuff. So, at first my mom wanted to go to IKEA to buy some kitchen accessories, but ended up staying at home cause of the house shifting. Then in the afternoon I brought my younger brother for hair cut ^^ First time bringing him for a hair cut, as if it was the first time I perform the duty of being a sister. After that I dragged him to JUSCO, just to accompany me to hang around... I spent a lot today ! On books-RM20, a wallet for my younger brother-RM20, lunch meal-RM11(for both my brother and I).This RM50 is my "birthday present" from Dad... See!!! Finished already. Recently I spend a lot on books and anime... Especially books... T.T Should not go to the bookstore too recent. Haha.

Actually by the time my Dad came home was evening already, then both of my parents quarreled...

I was sitting outside and reading novel by the time my Dad came back. After I heard them quarreled and my Dad smashed the door and dropped the Tupperware, my heart was aching and sometimes I really hate those adults whom quarrel in front of children. Their quarrel is more to cold war... I nearly cry that time, suddenly felt so helpless and really wanted a shoulder by right. However, sometimes something like that turns up, I can only stand on my own feet. Sigh... but at least still got siblings, however they cannot do anything also...

I went into my room cause my mood was really bad that time, I just want to hide myself away from everyone, not to let them see I am dropping my tears down and feeling depressed. No longer I slept in my room for an hour, cause I was quite tired actually. I slept at 3.30am and woke up at 9am just to accompany my family. That's why... So tired.

Then tonight our dinner supposed to be family gathering, but ended up... We ate our dinner separately.

First round, my elder brother and his girlfriend, my younger brother and I, the four of us went for dinner together. Just normal stalls food. After that I got to know that my Dad will spend his dinner time together with my Aunt and cousins. So finally when I reached home after my own dinner, my Dad called me and asked me whether if I want to come over to the restaurant which they are having dinner in. So got no choice but to accept, as it has been quite a long time that I haven't met my cousins. By the way, it seems to be a must to drop by and chat around with them. Hmm so I forced my brother's girlfriend to follow me as well, haha cause after that I still have to send her back to her house.

I don't really speak up in front of people except those who are really close with me. Even adults, I also don't really find any common topic to start up... Maybe I got no skills in starting a conversation with adults or the others. My Dad and the rest said that I should learn to be more extrovert and expose myself in such situation, cause I will be taking Management marketing course soon... This course requires a lot of presentation and conversation between people, I can hardly imagine how am I suppose to approach people around me in the future working environment if I still lack of confidence in myself to talk to the others. Or to say I am quite shy too. Haha... Hopefully can get to know more people and friends in university soon, must learn some communication skills already.

This year, really have to work hard.. But I am scared also!! The burden is getting heavier than before no matter in academic stuff or my piano. Sigh. Hope that I can stay strong... T.T