无言的期待

最近，对我自己超级无言。

无言 无言 无言！！！

我觉得我真的很疯。

我承认我很喜欢Victor的笑容，但是我同时觉得好笑，为什么会在一瞬间觉得他的笑容很温暖很阳光很明媚很可爱然后喜欢上他！！！

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

=_=

有点不能接受自己竟然就这样深深喜欢上一个人。真的很想笑自己，很想大喊一声啊！！！

那还不用紧，我发现他喜欢Girls' Generation的Tae Yeon，就开始去了解GG的成员到底长什么样子，认真地去看每一个人的样貌。

其实我不迷韩星，不过我不得不承认他们很多歌都很好听，而且GG里都有几首歌博得我的青睐，尤其是THE BOYS & I GOT A BOY，真的百听不厌，MV也越看越过瘾，心里很羡慕他们跳舞那么厉害，但是我知道他们背后付出的心血真的很多很多。

我觉得我很疯啊，很白痴啊啊啊啊！！！

最近跟Victor感情倒是比以前好很多了，而且每一次我都如愿以偿，都有机会跟他出去相处，他也开始主动找我，（因为我真的主动到腻了……所以有时候要卖贵一下，不然他不会珍惜，哈哈哈。）

***

今天跟Lynn还有Boon Pin出去，我发现我真的是一颗很亮很亮的电灯泡！

我的弟弟也有一起，我们四个人去面对面吃午餐，过得很开心一下，我的弟弟又一直Boom Lynn，真的逗到她很无言很想打人那种脸。哈哈哈！真的觉得很开心，看到他们玩得那么开心我觉得他们很可爱。

可是今天跟他们出去真的玩得很开心啦，我们一直都在吃东西，又吃面又吃蛋糕，哈哈哈。

吃蛋糕的时候我看到Lynn一直假装跟Boon Pin赌气，就觉得很好笑，而且觉得很Sweet哦～嘿嘿好像情侣在闹别扭一样，不过我看得出Boon Pin真的很怕Lynn生气不理他，哈哈哈！总觉得他们很可爱，心里都开始感觉甜滋滋的。

星期一就要工作了，之前还一直在等开工的日子，现在突然觉得时间过得好快，一眨眼就要礼拜天了，哎……明天早上会去神庙忙拜神补运，晚上好像还要去念经，然后睡一觉就星期一了！超快的……

我最近刚病好而已，所以接下来要努力工作而且不可以让自己病倒了！加油！

很期待又有点害怕工作，嘿嘿……

让我更期待的是，工作以后我就比较忙啦，哈哈哈……到时候Victor不知道会不会很想念我而且会更加想见我？LOLL!!! 今早他还很Kind地给了我一个Morning Call呢！真的是太好人了，太Sweet了！

我衷心希望我的好老婆Lynn也可以找到属于她的幸福啦，Boon Pin人不错下，至少大家都很合得来，出去玩也多一个伴，又可以享受，希望他不会介意有时候我做电灯泡啦……哈哈哈！

Sweet and Kind

Hang out with Victor tonight.

He is really sweet and kind !

Even though his brother and his friend are around, but I never feel being left out.

He is really nice... No matter where we are, whom we were with, he always accompany me and afraid that I get bored and lonely.

Sigh, could not express my gratitude just in words.

It is undeniable that I am really really happy... to get to see him tonight, to get to talk to him.

I nearly told him "I missed you", luckily I hold it back...

What else could I say?

He is nice, He is kind, He is...

He is the reason of my smile tonight.

I am grateful, I appreciate every opportunity, I cherish all the moments we had together...

Thank you so much, Victor.

Understanding

I've found a few similarities between the two of us...

• Indecisive
• Neutral standpoint
• Seeks opinion from the others
• Coffee lover! (but he's a coffee addict as compared to me... =S )

What else... Hmm... 

Guess...

Its our DARK CIRCLES! Lol ! 

Feel speechless with myself now. 

Anyway, writing entries for my blog sometimes remind me of my pink diary which had been left alone on my study table for quite a few months...

I never write in any more, because there consists too much of unhappiness in my past life. 

But Life is really Great now, seriously feel that I am being pampered by LOVE everyday. 

Never ever wanted to think so much, care so much...which would somehow make me feeling even more miserable.

It is pointless.

Guess that, things are going on well for now, and I quite like it. 

Slow and steady......

Just like a river flowing peacefully. 

***

While I was teaching at the music centre today, I stood outside of a studio, looking at a young lady (who is also a piano teacher) playing piano, and I guess she is a graduate of Diploma. 

I admire her skills, and her gestures while playing. 

It feels like, she is really flowing together with the music, so do I. 

Well, this resembles me of my childhood time, when I first saw my neighbour who was same age as me learning piano. 

She got an Upright piano at home, and I was so excited about it, I always go to her house to look at her playing it, soon after I asked her to teach me.

I am jealous, I have strong jealousy, I really love piano, I love playing, but she could not teach me, she said she don't know how to teach me, and so we argued cause of this. 

Then I ran home and told my parents, I WANT TO LEARN PIANO!

Finally, my dream came true, my Dad bought me a digital piano as soon as possible which lasts till now, it had been 9 years, and it is still in good condition. 

I remembered the digital piano cost around RM 9999. 

I know how much my Dad loves me, and love everyone in our family. 

I am touched, seriously...

He is a great Dad in everything, and he really cares about me, love me so much, seldom scold me, but he will scold when I am being capricious. 

Before I got my own piano, almost everyday I go to my neighbour's house and play her piano, of course with her permission. 

Looking back at it now, its kinda unbelievable that I love piano to such extent. 

My parents never force me to practice, but I practice myself everyday, and I always feel happy playing it. 

I have strong jealousy, I jealous of my cousin brother who could play much better than me while I was young, but I do admire him as well, and always wanted him to play some nice pieces that I could not play. 

I am glad, I never give up learning and completing my piano course, 

I am glad, I get the chance to know the existence of music,

I am glad, piano came into my life and be by my side all the time until today. 

Its like my buddy, my best friend, my soul mate, I could express my feelings through playing it ! 

Just like I could express my feeling to you Victor, through my own composition. 

It definitely lacks a lot in terms of musical and theoretical skills, but in terms of affection, it is not lacking at all, and I am very sure of that. 

 

Life's Good (LG)

Finally,

it has reached...

The two hours that we have spent together, seemed like passing at a slow pace, and it was really a wonderful night for me.

I am glad that I could contribute my love into physical objects, which could make him feel it.

It has always been my imagination that one day I would meet him again,

chatting happily and have the chance to understand him more.

In fact, my dream came true.

I am really grateful...

I am happy because, I was able to meet him again, to have an opportunity in understanding him more, and also seeing his smile.

All of these, have made me felt really warm, deep in my heart.

It was truly a touching moment when my wish came true, I truly appreciate it a lot, sincerely, deep in my heart.

Regardless of the end results, regardless of where the flow of the river in life would take us,

I would never forget about being loving in everything, and appreciating as much as I could.

It is a joy, a happiness...

Live your life to the fullest for Today, everything would be much more simple and beautiful than you have thought. =)

Living Memoirs

When I am upset;

When I am unsure; 

When I am alone;

When I am at anywhere, even in each and every corner of a city, 

I hold you in my heart, on my mind. 

Wished to share every happiness with you,

anything that you may like and I may like, 

or anything that you already liked so much and I liked so much too. 

Loving someone has no time constraint. 

It is all about feeling happy in giving and committing. 

Loving you, is the strength in supporting me to stay strong and happy. 

Loving you, allows me to learn to be contented even more easily. 

Loving you, makes me feel that seeing a bright smile is greater than any thing else. 

I believed, so strongly, so sincerely, that my heart could be connected to yours, 

and my feelings would reach you one day. 

No doubt at all, it would. 

Support

Words that could not express as much as what my heart feels at the moment...

I am thankful, to those who have supported me, and tell me to listen to my heart...

My parents,

Victor, Mark Kho, Caleb, Eric, Wei Ren, Light, Desmond, Yong Yeow, Xiao Mint, Hui Hwa...

I am thankful, to those who have denied to listen to my heart, but sincerely sharing their point of view with me...

Steven, Xi Kai, Yumi...

Each and everyone of them are trying to help me with what they could, just in a different way...

It is not to judge people subjectively, and I am not going to hold negative impression over those people who have overlooked what my heart really wants...

But I am accepting them sincerely, now, and being really thankful to give me such advices...

It is all about, the perspective.

So, I have made up my mind, I would not regret, I would give it all my best.

Because I have chose to listen to what my heart really wants.

Not Missing

My concern for you, it is not missing. 

My memories of you, it is not missing. 

My warmth from you, it is not missing. 

My willingness for you, it is not missing. 

My support for you, it is not missing. 

My kindness for you, it is not missing. 

My awaits for you, it is not missing. 

My embrace for you, it is not missing. 

My love for you, it is always here, not missing at all. 

The ultimate reason of loving you, caring about you, is not to gain any return in favour, at least not to the extent that, the desperateness would kill your happiness. 

I just wished to see your smile,

I just wished to see you being happy,

I just wished to be one of your support whenever you need,

I just wished to make you feel the beauty of being loved and concerned,

I just wished to see you safe and sound, and never ever want you to feel lonely.

If you ever knew about my feelings for you, are all of these.

I am truly glad that I have learned from my past that, LOVING someone ain't about asking a favour in return, but...

is about giving and sharing; understanding and accepting; accompanying and forgiving.

I understand that, everyone has scars, everyone has pain...

Maybe, I am still not mentally ready yet to pop into a relationship that two person should put in effort to grow and maintain.

Everyone, is afraid of losing trust, afraid of being hurt...

But, my feelings for you aren't fake, they are true... and sincere...

I wouldn't think so much and so far to that extent, is because I would rather appreciate the beauty of what I possess now, even as friends it is also the most wonderful relationship to cherish.

Unless, fate arrives, when you and I are looking into each other at the right time, and we could leave our past without any doubt to start anew, I would definitely give my all for you, to be LOVING.

That's my Love for you, Victor.

I miss You so... because, I would never want to give up on understanding and accepting every aspect of you...

I would just want to embrace you, by being LOVING.

I have read this, or heard this or learnt this somewhere...

"Learning to be grateful is the most beautiful feeling that you could ever spread it to the people around you, and being Loving is all about accepting the strengths and weaknesses of one with LOVE in your heart.
Because when you feel LOVE; when you spread LOVE, the weaknesses could be regarded as beauty as well."

So, no matter how, no matter what,

My love for you always exists.

I would never give up bringing such warmth into your life, because you are the special someone in my life, who brings me warmth into my heart, giving me the courage to move on bravely with a loving heart.

I appreciate your existence so much, Victor.

I hope you would know this, someday, and feel the feeling of being loved.

长大

“长大” 的 定义是什么？

是不是意味着有足够的能力去“要求”、去“争取”、去“自立”？

今早的晨阳，很亮很暖，照耀着这座繁忙的城市，

难得在这车水马龙穿梭的大道上、空气里弥漫着一种平静。

上完了音乐课，在驾驶回家的路途中有点塞车，而我渐渐陷入一片沉思，尤其是在望见前方的一辆车子内的一个小男孩正伏在后车座上看着紧跟在他所在车子的后方的我。

这样的一个动作、这样的一个张望，突然让我想起了自己小时候也是这样。

现在的我好像有点理解了，小时候的我们一直都觉得这个世界好像很小、又好像很大。

觉得小，是因为我们所能触及的东西、所要求的东西以及所看见的东西都有限度，我们的视野有一个局限，那就是家庭、学校、校巴、补习……

觉得大，正是因为我们所接触的范围很小，同时一直憧憬大了一岁的日子会有怎样的路程等着我们去经历。

现在，22岁的我们，不再谈补习有多累、功课有多少、爸妈唠叨多厌烦、兄弟姐妹或是朋友欺负自己等等……

现在谈的，都是人生目标、工作环境、生活伴侣、吃喝玩乐……

我只是觉得很感慨，以前总认为还有很长远的路途要走才能到达我们所谓的“长大”，触及到我们所盼望的“自由”，但是当我走到了人生的这一个阶段，却开始觉得好多人好多事都在静悄悄地变了。

父母，两鬓斑白了、生活上容易忘东忘西、容易投诉身体不适、容易感到疲倦、容易感到无力、容易感到无聊……

而自己，正开始走进那个必须为自己未来理想的生活打拼的忙碌日子，然后担心自己没做好子女的本分去孝敬、照顾家里伟大的双亲。

我们不能觉得愧疚，因为唯一可以让父母感到放心、安慰的，就是自己要过得快乐平稳。

“不想长大”这四个字，或多或少会在每一个人的脑海里出现过吧……

如果你不断地往后看却又无法鼓起勇气向前走，那么人生就会充满许多矛盾，进而不懂得知足了……

A Fulfilling Life

A lot of activities are going on this week. 

Time flies, a day ended with a late sleep and the next morning arrives with bright sunlight. 

I went for interview for my first time in life, and it was kinda tiring... 

three interviewers interviewed me back to back, non-stop...

I didn't expect to receive their offer on that same day, in the afternoon. 

I have been struggling to decide what's best for me, and what do I want to achieve currently as well as in the future. 

I seek many opinions from my friends and family, at last I have decided to accept the offer even though the pay was not as what I have expected, but at least it met my MINIMUM demand. 

So I guess I will just go with it and gain experience, learn to adapt myself to a whole new environment, then climb up the corporate ladder to gain better achievement. 

I will try to do my best and give it all. 

No excuses, but only be brave, decisive and strong enough to solve problems. 

Life is getting better day by day, more friends to talk to; feeling happier, more warmth and love that I could embrace. 

I looked back, feeling relief that I have made up till so far, I have brave myself to forgo my painful past relationship. 

Anyway, one thing to share is I went to BREW & BREAD (located in Kota Kemuning) the other day, with my school mate Xi Kai. 

I quite love the environment there, and I really fell in love with the coffee!!! 

IT TASTES GOOD!!! 

It is smooth when you drink it, I would admit that the Caramel Latte there is much better than the one in Pacific Coffee! 

It is not expensive too! Worth to enjoy it! 

=) 

I wished to share such happiness with two of my friends, Alex and Victor, because they are coffee lover too, wonder if we would have that chance in the future. 

I hang out with Jia Jun and Ah Tat tonight, without Lynn and Haze, feel a bit disappointed that they could not attend. 

Yes, my first experience to join these two male friends alone, but in the end it is quite a happy experience. 

Thank You, all of my friends, all of the beautiful matters which happened in my life until today, and I believe that life will continue to grow beautiful towards the future. 

I am not desperate to jump into a relationship, but I am desperate to make sure people feel the warmth of being loved without demanding further paybacks and receiving unnecessary / stupid blames. 

That's why, I am happy, while I liked and loved someone. 

The end result wouldn't affect me anyhow, because I have learned to appreciate better and give willingly. 

I have realised that, just go on with your intention, if that does not make you regret, at the same time it would bring happiness to the others. 

So, why not?