CRY

Out of a sudden, feel suffocated...

Out of a sudden, feel restless...

Out of a sudden, feel overwhelmed...

Out of a sudden, my heart is aching, my heart feels like crying, screaming, shouting, and I wish to faint, physically...

Tired...

Mentally tired...

I really miss everything which I used to do...

My piano, my novel, my books, my Japanese songs, my anime, my shopping...

I left not much energy to do all these when I'm back from work...

But thank God, ever since I have started working, I learn to appreciate all of these hobbies and preferences more.

There is always so much to share, but I don't know whom I can share with...

I always enjoy thinking deeply when I am alone...

I wish to have time for myself!!! MYSELF!!! MYSELF!!!

I want a time, for myself, for myself...

When I am back from work, I bath, I eat dinner, I watch TV...

I somehow dislike it when my Mom keep telling me to sleep early when its around 9.30pm or 10pm.

It feels like, I cannot even watch TV programme after such a long day!!!

Trying to be understanding, trying to be rationale, trying to accept such concern...

I don't know...

Is it because sometimes I understand too much on how important it is and how necessary / absolutely it is to be such an understanding person,

that I gradually learn to ignore my feelings arising from my deepest heart?

I can't even tell all of these to my friends, to people around me...

I just couldn't share, I just couldn't speak up, I just don't know how to portray such weak feelings to friends around me any more.

I really wanna do a lot of things for myself...

I really want to do...

Now I feel that, I started enjoying to be alone, cause I have time to breath...

I admit that I am very emotional, but this doesn't mean that I don't learn to be strong.

I wished to break down now, just cry and sleep and get over it by tomorrow morning,

But I just could not do so...

Because I don't allow myself to break down...

It feels like I am always forcing myself to stay rationale, to stay positive, to stay strong in certain way.

I missed everything so much seriously...

I missed it...

How much I wanted to cry for myself...

To free myself from these constraints...

To learn to be my true self, my real self, my weak self, just to comfort my weak self...

I guess this is why, I never realise, or I wouldn't want to realise / accept the fact that, I am really pushing myself to do everything I can, rationally...

Can you understand how I feel when I see scenes like below?

Clothes to be washed

I seriously could not stand such messiness!

I really wanna cry cry cry cry cry cry when I got no time to do both of these at least!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And the time I need, is a whole daytime, which there is only my existence...

Because I love that feeling of cleaning up seriously, with a focus mind...

And I will feel damn satisfied when I have done it. 

No lie.

Its true.

I guess I just like to get a hold on each and every of my own stuff, to fulfil that responsibility. 

It really brings me satisfaction.

停靠

昨天，3月10日，是我过得最开心的一天。

跟我心爱的人，Victor出去，他答应了陪我去mid valley看我最爱的《浪客剑心》，还陪我去逛街看钱包，带我吃东西。

这一切，都很像一场梦境，但它是那么地真实，那么地真切，注入进心扉的甜蜜、安全感、让我觉得自己好幸福，我是真的很开心。

我们到了那里就先买票，然后到处闲逛。

第一站：IT FAIR

在那个展览会上真的好多人，人潮拥挤、水泄不通，像我这种步行比较缓慢又容易被人推开的女孩真的很容易走失。

我一直紧跟着他的身后，真的很怕突然就看不见他的身影了，突然之间他回首看看我，认真地问：“你会走失吗？”

我愣愣地看着他，不知道该作出什么答案，最后还是承认自己害怕在人海中与他分散，于是就点头说：“应该会吧。”

话毕，他就牵起了我的手继续向前走，而我们就这样在里面转了好久。我看到不明白的东西就会问他，但多数时候我都是沉默的。

出来以后我以为他不会再牵着我的手，岂料他依然牵着，然后问我接下来要去哪儿。

第二站：电玩中心 / Gaming Arcade

说真的，我已经好久没去这种地方了，记忆中最后一次去好像是中学的时候吧。

以前跟前男友去的时候都是进去转了一圈就出来了，我们没有一起玩过里面的游戏。

其实我一向来都很憧憬那种站在一旁看着自己的男朋友在电玩中心专注地玩游戏的感觉，总觉得看着他这样享受玩乐是我的快乐。

昨天，我第一次尝试到这种感觉了，不仅如此，Victor还认真问我要不要试试看玩，就在我犹豫之际，他就这样拉我去玩了。

我们没玩很多游戏，第一个玩的是双人组的射击游戏，真的非常刺激！我第一次跟人家配合玩这种游戏，真的玩得很紧张，而且还有点白痴，因为我不太懂要按哪一个钮来玩。

玩了好一阵子，我就说别玩了，因为我也不想他破费，本来打算离开了，结果却在走出去的前一分钟看见一个女孩在一个机器前敲打着键盘，看起来很像钢琴的键盘！那一瞬间我就完完全全地被吸引了！

我跟Victor站在他们的身后观察他们玩那个游戏，然后Victor看我好像很想玩的样子，就问我要不要玩，我犹豫好一阵子，无奈地笑着说：“可是我不懂得玩诶！”

他笑了笑，“可以慢慢学啊！好吧我这就去换代币。”

终于轮到我们的机会的时候，Victor就让我试试看玩，由于我还不太清楚那个游戏是怎么操作的，所以才没玩多久我就有点跟不上节奏了，后来Victor就帮我过关，跟着我一起玩了起来。

我们俩人的手指就这样敲打着闪闪发光的键盘，接着我们就开始跟上节奏了，越玩越开心！

那时候我同时在想，可以的话以后想跟Lynn一起来玩这个东西，里面很多韩国歌可以点，她应该会很喜欢。=P

我玩了一场后，就给Victor玩了，因为我看见他真的很快就学会玩了，就想让他多玩一点。

他点了两首韩国歌，一首英文，我站在他身边看着他玩，亦跟随音乐的节奏摆动起来，而他也一样，我们俩人就这样享受着音乐的节奏，那段时光真的很快乐。

我记得那首英文歌是Justin Timberlake的Love Stoned, 真的很好听，而且现在的我每当一听见这首歌，脑海中就会浮现他那享受音乐的样子以及跟着音乐节奏摆动的身体，那种感觉真的很甜蜜。

他快乐，我便快乐。

第三站：午餐@庆洲韩国餐馆 / Kyung Joo Korean Restaurant 

Victor带我去一家韩国餐馆吃午餐，那里的食物还不错，我发现他很可爱，就是肚子一饿，看到菜单时任何一样食物都会变得很好吃似的，搞得他自己全部都想吃。哈哈！真的很可爱，第一次看到这样的男人，我一直以为只有我们女孩儿会有这种行为及想法而已，原来也有男人是有这样的一面的。呵呵。

第四站：逛街

他陪我去看钱包，我的钱包坏了，真的需要买一个，他很耐心地陪我去找一个适合的又漂亮的，途中还会给我一些意见，可爱的、实用的、品质优良的、价格合理的，他都一一替我评价，但是他不会帮我作主，反而温柔地说，“你就挑一个你自己最喜欢的吧，没有的话我们再到别处去看，不急，可以慢慢找。”

我很感动，我真的觉得他很贴心，因为他懂得尊重我的决定，给我作主的权力，又有耐心陪我慢慢挑，我只能说他对待我的态度真的很好。

第五站：看电影，《浪客剑心》

这是一部我很想看的日本片，它是改自原版动漫的一部电影，虽然只是动漫里的一小部分，但是真的拍得很不错，人物造型也仿得很真。

我真心感谢Victor愿意陪我去看这部戏，毕竟他之前已经在网络上下载来看了，但他依然陪我去看多一次这个两个小时的戏，所以真的很珍惜。

看戏的时候，我们坐的是普通的座席，并不是情侣座席，但是我真的意想不到他会主动牵住我的手，一牵就是两个小时，而且还是紧牵着不放那种，我是真的有点惊喜。

他就可怜了一点，早上睡醒的时候有点伤风了，竟然为了赶着出门接我结果忘记带外套，在戏院里他就冻到身体微微颤抖了，可是当他发现我的双手很冰冷的时候却依然裹紧我的手给我些许温暖，他真的很贴心。

第六站：晚餐@Sushi Zanmai

看完戏出来已经六点了，我们就开始去找吃的。

我突然想起了，看戏的时候看到一半他就突然转过头对我露出一个哭笑不得的表情说他肚子饿了，我当场笑了出来，真的觉得他很可爱，有点傻傻的。

最后我们就选择吃日本餐，站在餐厅外排了二十分钟的长龙，大家都累了，我二话不说就靠在他的肩膀闭上眼睛休息，有好几次脑袋都从他肩上滑下去，因为真的无力了……

我一旦累了就会开始安静了，他也是累了所以话不多，我们俩人就这样静静地，偶尔聊一两句，偶尔沉默。

吃晚餐的时候，他就说本来打算点他最爱的鳗鱼饭，但是太贵了所以取消念头，我才发现原来我们同样都是喜欢吃鳗鱼的人。

快乐的时光总是很快就过去了，可是多亏了Victor我才有机会享受那么多东西，尤其是在电玩中心的时光，真的玩得很开心。

*******************

后记。

其实我好久没继续写我的小说了，《今天，天晴》的故事虽然就快接近尾声了，但是我依然还未花十足的心思去给它划上一个完美的结局。

我犹记得在那篇故事里，男主角朴盛夏带着女主角林湘芋去电玩中心玩了好多游戏，而我昨天经历的这一幕跟我所构思出来的小说情节简直一模一样，让我有点难以置信却又异常兴奋！

不仅如此，我的首篇创作《爱上摩卡爱上你》里面的男主角张赫鼓是一名有着黝黑的皮肤，喜爱篮球，拥有阳光般明媚的笑容的少年，况且他热爱摩托车哦，又喜欢戴手表。

Victor身上具有了我所创造的这两名男主角的一些特征，我觉得很奇迹，觉得很意外，可是真的觉得很惊喜。

Lynn说，她不明白为什么我那么喜欢他。

我也不懂得该怎么回答，我只能说，我是真的很喜欢他的笑容，可以看见他的笑容真的是一件很美好很幸福的事，真的可以让我快乐。

我爱他，不求回报，不强迫，无论他日后的世界里会不会有我的存在，只希望他可以听从自己的心声，去做一个可以让自己快乐的决定，这就是我想要的。

我学会了真诚地爱一个人，接受一个人、珍惜一个人，这些从过去伤痛的经历所累积下来的经验是难能可贵的，谢谢老天爷让我在此时此刻遇见了Victor，让我可以更好地爱他。

感恩吸引力法则的力量，感恩宇宙的回应，从开始到现在的我，一直都很幸福，很知足。

相信明天会更好，是我一直坚信的。

不去太过依赖别人，学习习惯跟自己相处，学习自己努力坚持，是得来不易的内涵。


我爱我自己，我珍惜我自己，我相信我自己。

我知道在我的生活中，很多我要的都已经实现了。

感恩、感激。

在此真心祝福我身边所有的朋友及亲人，愿大家幸福平安。

Cinderella's Dream

I feel warm, I feel dizzy, I feel blur, I feel my heart beat is a little faster than usual while I am calm.

I know this is the effect from drinking coffee, and also another effect which arises due to the meeting tonight with Victor. 

I did not expect him to come along with me for coffee, at first I really thought of going to Pacific Coffee alone and just sit down there then relax. 

But I am still glad that he actually came along with me, even though we did not manage to go to Pacific Coffee. 

When I asked him, why did he agree to come along, he said that he don't want me to be alone. 

That's really kind, I felt really touch. 

Thank You Victor.

I didn't expect our simple meeting would turn out towards a different direction tonight...

I didn't expect myself to speak up some of my thoughts that I always wanted to express and questions that I always wanted to know the answer. 

However, I am glad that I am able to express my true self naturally in front of him, even though I am still quite shy sometimes. 

He hurt his hand, and I was so worried, so I actually did a massage for him to relieve his pain. 

Hopefully it works and wouldn't get worse. 

In between that time, so happened that our hands held together... 

I am kinda surprised and happy, but mostly nervous and shy, that was why I don't dare to look up at him for some moments. 

I don't really know what it means, but still I appreciate it that he didn't reject me in a harsh manner. 

I really have so much to share, every single moment, every single action, every single feeling...

I really feel like crying now...

I really appreciate so much that we have been through so far until today, 

I really appreciate and feel lucky that I instilled positivity into my mindset, and be a loving person to just give out love...

I really feel... so overwhelmed now. 

I admit, I am afraid, afraid of getting hurt, afraid that when this relationship turns into an official one, everything will become a cycle and he would treat me just like how my ex treated me. 

I worried about this a lot...

I am afraid of it...

Because I am afraid of losing myself, losing direction...

When he held my hand while walking me towards the car park, some thoughts flashed through my mind. 

When it is an official one, sooner or later I gonna face the challenge from my parents again, I gonna try all my best to convince my parents that I wanna be with him... 

It feels like, everything start from 0, and you really need to put in effort to work it out...

Since the last relationship ended, I always tell to myself that I am not going to commit into a relationship any more with so much effort.

But, after I have fell for Victor, I am always being positive to work things out in order to gain happiness. 

When he held my hand, 

When he told me that not to be such a bad girl to flirt with the others, 

I felt so touching... and warmth, and I really appreciate him to be more straightforward than usual. 

I know it could be kinda hard for him to express his feelings, but he did make an effort to do so. 

Sincerely thank him. 

I couldn't believe that, this time I really put in so much effort to spend time on hanging out with a particular guy, just to understand him better and make him feel the love and concern. 

I really cried now...

I seriously feel so overwhelming...

After so much pain that I have bear in those past relationship, this is the first time I learn better to love someone better, and really gain appreciation from that special someone. 

The moment he held my hand in his palm, I tell myself that, don't be afraid of putting effort to work out something you believe and wish so much, 

don't be afraid of facing all the challenges and obstacles that would confront you, 

don't give up...

be brave...

be persistent...

be sure of what you really want to achieve...

and, trust him, respect him. 

I believe I am strong, I could face all these challenge all over again for a brand new relationship... 

It is really overwhelming when I looked back how much I have put in to work out a relationship... 

How I struggled, How I convinced my parents......

It might not be harsh, but I really give it all my best...

I admit I have phobia regarding this, but just because of Victor, I choose to let go and break out of my shell which meant to protect myself from being hurt externally. 

Sincerely hope that we can work it out together. =) It would be my greatest happiness. 

I LOVE YOU.