CRY

Out of a sudden, feel suffocated...

Out of a sudden, feel restless...

Out of a sudden, feel overwhelmed...

Out of a sudden, my heart is aching, my heart feels like crying, screaming, shouting, and I wish to faint, physically...

Tired...

Mentally tired...

I really miss everything which I used to do...

My piano, my novel, my books, my Japanese songs, my anime, my shopping...

I left not much energy to do all these when I'm back from work...

But thank God, ever since I have started working, I learn to appreciate all of these hobbies and preferences more.

There is always so much to share, but I don't know whom I can share with...

I always enjoy thinking deeply when I am alone...

I wish to have time for myself!!! MYSELF!!! MYSELF!!!

I want a time, for myself, for myself...

When I am back from work, I bath, I eat dinner, I watch TV...

I somehow dislike it when my Mom keep telling me to sleep early when its around 9.30pm or 10pm.

It feels like, I cannot even watch TV programme after such a long day!!!

Trying to be understanding, trying to be rationale, trying to accept such concern...

I don't know...

Is it because sometimes I understand too much on how important it is and how necessary / absolutely it is to be such an understanding person,

that I gradually learn to ignore my feelings arising from my deepest heart?

I can't even tell all of these to my friends, to people around me...

I just couldn't share, I just couldn't speak up, I just don't know how to portray such weak feelings to friends around me any more.

I really wanna do a lot of things for myself...

I really want to do...

Now I feel that, I started enjoying to be alone, cause I have time to breath...

I admit that I am very emotional, but this doesn't mean that I don't learn to be strong.

I wished to break down now, just cry and sleep and get over it by tomorrow morning,

But I just could not do so...

Because I don't allow myself to break down...

It feels like I am always forcing myself to stay rationale, to stay positive, to stay strong in certain way.

I missed everything so much seriously...

I missed it...

How much I wanted to cry for myself...

To free myself from these constraints...

To learn to be my true self, my real self, my weak self, just to comfort my weak self...

I guess this is why, I never realise, or I wouldn't want to realise / accept the fact that, I am really pushing myself to do everything I can, rationally...

Can you understand how I feel when I see scenes like below?

Clothes to be washed

I seriously could not stand such messiness!

I really wanna cry cry cry cry cry cry when I got no time to do both of these at least!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And the time I need, is a whole daytime, which there is only my existence...

Because I love that feeling of cleaning up seriously, with a focus mind...

And I will feel damn satisfied when I have done it. 

No lie.

Its true.

I guess I just like to get a hold on each and every of my own stuff, to fulfil that responsibility. 

It really brings me satisfaction.