I know this is the effect from drinking coffee, and also another effect which arises due to the meeting tonight with Victor.
I did not expect him to come along with me for coffee, at first I really thought of going to Pacific Coffee alone and just sit down there then relax.
But I am still glad that he actually came along with me, even though we did not manage to go to Pacific Coffee.
When I asked him, why did he agree to come along, he said that he don't want me to be alone.
That's really kind, I felt really touch.
Thank You Victor.
I didn't expect our simple meeting would turn out towards a different direction tonight...
I didn't expect myself to speak up some of my thoughts that I always wanted to express and questions that I always wanted to know the answer.
However, I am glad that I am able to express my true self naturally in front of him, even though I am still quite shy sometimes.
He hurt his hand, and I was so worried, so I actually did a massage for him to relieve his pain.
Hopefully it works and wouldn't get worse.
In between that time, so happened that our hands held together...
I am kinda surprised and happy, but mostly nervous and shy, that was why I don't dare to look up at him for some moments.
I don't really know what it means, but still I appreciate it that he didn't reject me in a harsh manner.
I really have so much to share, every single moment, every single action, every single feeling...
I really feel like crying now...
I really appreciate so much that we have been through so far until today,
I really appreciate and feel lucky that I instilled positivity into my mindset, and be a loving person to just give out love...
I really feel... so overwhelmed now.
I admit, I am afraid, afraid of getting hurt, afraid that when this relationship turns into an official one, everything will become a cycle and he would treat me just like how my ex treated me.
I worried about this a lot...
I am afraid of it...
Because I am afraid of losing myself, losing direction...
When he held my hand while walking me towards the car park, some thoughts flashed through my mind.
When it is an official one, sooner or later I gonna face the challenge from my parents again, I gonna try all my best to convince my parents that I wanna be with him...
It feels like, everything start from 0, and you really need to put in effort to work it out...
Since the last relationship ended, I always tell to myself that I am not going to commit into a relationship any more with so much effort.
But, after I have fell for Victor, I am always being positive to work things out in order to gain happiness.
When he held my hand,
When he told me that not to be such a bad girl to flirt with the others,
I felt so touching... and warmth, and I really appreciate him to be more straightforward than usual.
I know it could be kinda hard for him to express his feelings, but he did make an effort to do so.
Sincerely thank him.
I couldn't believe that, this time I really put in so much effort to spend time on hanging out with a particular guy, just to understand him better and make him feel the love and concern.
I really cried now...
I seriously feel so overwhelming...
After so much pain that I have bear in those past relationship, this is the first time I learn better to love someone better, and really gain appreciation from that special someone.
The moment he held my hand in his palm, I tell myself that, don't be afraid of putting effort to work out something you believe and wish so much,
don't be afraid of facing all the challenges and obstacles that would confront you,
don't give up...
be brave...
be persistent...
be sure of what you really want to achieve...
and, trust him, respect him.
I believe I am strong, I could face all these challenge all over again for a brand new relationship...
It is really overwhelming when I looked back how much I have put in to work out a relationship...
How I struggled, How I convinced my parents......
It might not be harsh, but I really give it all my best...
I admit I have phobia regarding this, but just because of Victor, I choose to let go and break out of my shell which meant to protect myself from being hurt externally.
Sincerely hope that we can work it out together. =) It would be my greatest happiness.
I LOVE YOU.
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